'Mummy had a wee on the road': Things your kids will remember about their incredibly expensive holiday 20th August 2023 WHETHER you splashed out on a Caribbean cruise or spaffed thousands on Center Parcs, these are the only holiday memories your children will take with them into adulthood. We banged heads jumping into the pool A fortnight’s all-inclusive holiday in Majorca will be remembered only for a single moment of trauma. What was a generally relaxing break full of sun, swimming, sandcastles and sorbet will be transformed over time into a hazy nightmare of screaming, panic, blood and tears. Just be grateful they don’t remember walking in on Mum giving Dad his holiday blowie. Dad wouldn’t let us have ice cream Yes, because they’d had an ice cream literally 20 minutes ago. In fact, the staff in the local gelateria were sick of the sight of you. But that will be forgotten by your children who’ll firmly believe they went on holiday to a Charles Dickens novel where all they got was gruel. In years to come, as they watch your coffin being lowered into the ground, they’ll turn to each other and say: ‘He was such a mean man.’ The arcade had a really cool Minecraft game Despite being taken to some of the world’s most fascinating heritage sites, your kids will remember just one thing: the arcade opposite the hotel had an awesome Minecraft game. To be fair, your only memory of ten childhood days in a resort near Venice is playing Mortal Kombat for the first time, so what were you expecting? Mummy had a wee on the road Ah, a road trip through the Loire Valley. The beautiful vineyards, the historic chateaux, the quaint little towns… and Mum squatting at the side of the road, trying not to piss all over her new sandals. This memory will be so powerful that your kids won’t recall the interminably long car journeys, or Mum and Dad yelling bad words at each other after getting lost, just the weeing. She’ll never live it down. Nothing When your 25-year-old daughter excitedly tells you she’s going to the States for the very first time, you’ll gently remind her about the three weeks she spent with you in Florida when she was eight. Oh, she thought that was Disneyland Paris. Just let it go: she doesn’t need to know that you remortgaged your house to give her what you thought would be an unforgettable experience. We can tell when it's Viagra, say women 19th August 2023 WOMEN have confirmed they are under no illusions as to whether a sexual partner has taken erection-enhancing medication or not, thank you. Wives, girlfriends and Tinder dates stated they are fully cognisant of the difference between normal, friendly arousal and an artifically engorged penis, no matter how discreet its owner believes himself to have been. Grace Wood-Morris said: “It’s insulting that you think you can get away with it. You think we’re not sensitive down there? “Yes, there is a difference between a cock gradually and sensually brought to full hardness by acts of loving foreplay and a pumped-up fly-popping blue diamond gutstick straining from the off. And you’re much keener on the latter than we are. “What happened to being so turned on by how sexy we are? How about getting your boner that way? What about giving the lady the sense of pride and achievement and co-ownership that means she’s excited to get the erection in her? “Instead, after a discreet trip to the bathroom for a glass of water 20 minutes earlier, you’ve got a dick like tempered steel and heart palpitations and expect us to be thrilled. No. Though to be fair it means it lasts longer than two minutes.” Habitual Viagra user Steve Malley said: “They think it’s for them? Nah. It’s for me.”